So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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