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dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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