i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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