ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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