Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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