I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
