Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
