I'm sorry my penis didn't work
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
