Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
