I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
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She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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