I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
