i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
