you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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