; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
