I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
