If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
