Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
