I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
