Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
