the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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