i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
