As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
