Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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