cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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