im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
