Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
