Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
