i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
