Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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