Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Text me some of your sweat
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
