official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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