i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
