What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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