I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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