I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
