I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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