I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
