This is not my ceiling
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
