Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
