brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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