Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We left the knife in your bed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
