he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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