apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
