This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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