I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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