I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
