capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
