Just fell off a train. Bad.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
