Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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