and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
