She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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