hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
