Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
