Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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