I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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