I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
