How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
