Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
